'I don't think you could have handled this any worse': Guy refuses to get important DNA test with fiancée over his fears of 'big business'

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Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Feb 1, 2023 11:00 AM EST

'I have a feeling this isn't going to blow over,' wrote one Redditor as he explained a difficult conversation with his fiancée. Relationships take compromise, and the OP feels so strongly about the subject at hand that he doesn't think he can ever submit to a DNA test. 

As he explained in a post, the OP wrote that he's engaged to a woman who was adopted at birth, and barely knows any information about her family. Since they're engaged and planning for the future, the OP's fiancée grew concerned about their future children. She doesn't know her background — what if she and the OP are actually related?

It's certainly not the type of worry that every couple has to go to, but DNA testing is so common nowadays. But that's part of the problem. The OP is very against ever letting big companies get their hands on his DNA. Understandable, but the way he told his fiancée the news was cruel, and the commenters in the r/AmITheA****** subreddit really let him have it. 

Scroll down to check out this couple's story below. Then, check out this story of one principal who ignored one of her teacher's part-time status, and ended up ruining her own day. 

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  • 01
    Organism - 'She read an article... about a married couple who were both adopted and found out they were biological siblings... Now, she's worried that might be us.'
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  • 02
    Font - r/AmItheA • Posted by u/Organic-Draft6504 11 hours ago n AITA for refusing to take a DNA test to confirm my fiancé and I are not related because I'm uncomfortable sharing my DNA with big business?
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  • 03
    Font - So my (27M) fiancé (26F) is adopted. She was adopted at birth and hasn't had any contact with her birth family. She read an article a few months ago about a married couple who were both adopted and found out they were biological siblings 6 years into their marriage. Now, she's worried that might be us, even though I was not adopted. I've explained to her over and over again that my parents have been faithful to each other so there is no way we are siblings. She still wants us to get teste
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  • 04
    Font - I think she's being ridiculous. I don't want to waste $200 on us getting tested. I don't want to have my DNA sitting in some database where it can be hacked into. I also don't want my data sitting on a website where anyone "connected to my tree" can find me. It weirds me out. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her getting tested either because who knows what skeletons her biological family has in the closet. I don't want her to find out she's related to bad people and then be upset. I a
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  • 05
    Font - I told her all of this, but she still brings it up. I may have crossed a line today when I told her she was being disrespectful of my family by indicating one of them may have abandoned their child. She started crying and left. She's not answering any of my phone calls or texts, and her sister is calling me an a for saying mean things about her biological family. As far as I'm concerned, they abandoned her, so they are dead to me and I don't owe them any respect. On the other hand, they a
    via r/AmItheA******
  • 06
    Font - I still don't want either of us to do the test, but I have a feeling this isn't going to blow over. So, AITA if I continue standing firm and refuse to get tested?
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  • 07
    Font - Calm Inky 10 hr. ago Parta ipant [4] YTA... Dude you could just go to your medical provider, explain the situation and have them run a comparison. It's really not rocket science and the results don't need to be stored or skeletons unearthed, but it is an easy way to get the answer your future wife is after and settling her mind. As to the reasoning for the doc: We are thinking of having children and there is valid concern that we are related. Please have our DNA compared. 7.6k Reply Share
    via r/AmItheA******
  • 08
    Font - Recommends Malazan 5 hr. ago Certified Proctologist [21] YTA... Dude you could just go to your medical provider, explain the situation and have them run a comparison. So OPS GF is the one that wants this done, but OP is the a for not doing this? Why isn't the GF is the a for not doing this, since she's the one who wants it done? Also, there's no chance that will cost less than one of those websites, and likely cost a lot more.
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  • 09
    Font - majesticgoatsparkles 4 hr. ago Aficionado [12] As Much worse in my book is equating “gave up for adoption" with "abandoned" and rubbing that in her face. OP is wrong, his words were thoughtless and damaging, especially combined with his "my family is perfect" type of attitude. If I were his fiancé I'd be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to stay with someone like this. Edit to add: YTA
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  • 10
    Font - Physical Ad5135 - 5 hr. ago But there is not a "valid concern" that they are related is there? More of an irrational worry of the fiancé. I looked up the cost at a doctor dna test and online suggests it is $200 to $2000.
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  • 11
    Font - pandabearlover03 - 3 hr. ago Do I think it's a valid concern of hers that they are potentially related and are siblings and he doesn't want to do testing if he's uncomfortable with it? Absolutly not. Do I think OP is the AH for using hurtful words to describe her past, and not letting her seek out DNA testing for herself to settle her mind? Absolutley.
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  • 12
    Font - Psenu9663 3 hr. ago YTA I'd also add that you're a mega super AH for your comments about her birth family. You need to apologize for that ASAP and take some time to learn about the trauma adoptees go through and all the myriad of reasons some families choose adoption. This is an incredibly delicate topic and one that you have handled miserably.
    via /r/AmItheA******
  • 13
    Font - sticksnstone 2 hr. ago Most adoptees have no family medical history and are insecure about it. It is very good idea to have some basic DNA testing to ensure neither of them are carriers for common genetic diseases before considering children. She's not overreacting.
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  • 14
    Font - Smooth-Ant-4895 - 10 hr. ago YTA. I was going to go with NAH until I read your last stanza. That is plain mean man. You are insulting her birth parents while even she doesn't know much about them. Her concerns are also more severe than yours. How could she be feeling safe and happy with you with questions like that lurking in her head? This will definitely not blow over. You'd be wiser to give in.
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  • 15
    Font - saucynoodlelover - 5 hr. ago Enthusiast [7] A I decided he was the AH when he said he doesn't want her to take a DNA test. He's allowed to be private about his own DNA, and he has to respect her choice to share her DNA and find her birth family. He's decided for her that finding her birth family is pointless.
    via /r/AmItheA******
  • 16
    Font - Electrical-Date-3951 4 hr. ago "I've explained to her over and over again that my parents have been faithful to each other so there is no way we are siblings." Also, OP is a fool to think he knows every single thing about his parents, their marriage, or their s lives. The fiancee's concerns about her paternity are valid, and OP is being dismissive, cruel, and an AH. He is also being controlling because he doesn't want her looking into her own family background independently of him. She ha
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  • 17
    Font - Traditional Owl_1038 5 hr. ago That's all good and nice. But there is still a lot of legal grey area around DNA data that is still unexplored. For the simple reason that it's still a relatively new concept (the home tests I mean). There is already cases of the (us) police using those databases. And I also distrust insurance companies. While it's nice if you learn more about your history and maybe meet relatives you didn't know about. I can absolutely understand people that approach the wh
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  • 18
    Font - CauliflowerKlutzy189. 6 hr. ago Parta: ipant [1] Jesus OP I don't you could have handled this any worse. You threw all her fears back in her face. You've made no effort to ease her anxiety. You've basically called out her ancestry as "low". You threw your own prejudices back at her. That's disgusting by the way. YTA
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  • 19
    Font - CauliflowerKlutzy189 - 6 hr. ago Partas pant [1] And so what if there were dodgy ancestors? That's not a reflection of who she is now. Ugh just go away and leave her alone. 56 Reply Share Pani Ka 3 hr. ago And the part about him not wanting "half of his future children's genetic makeup sitting in some corpo database", as a reason for her not getting tested? F that s he already thinks he owns her and her body. YTA OP.
    via r/AmItheA******
  • 20
    Font - Dubious People Pleaser 7 hr. ago Parta ipant [1] | YTA you are absolutely in your right to refuse the test. You are also not the only person who is uncomfortable with having your dna out there. What makes you the as is how you handled this and how you're trying to dictate what she does with her own dna. Not to mention the "holier then thou" approach to your families. All families have skeletons. Just because you don't know any doesn't mean there aren't any. And just because her bio mom wa
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  • 21
    Font - NearlyCloudlessDay · 7 hr. ago NTA. The companies running these tests do harvest your personal DNA information for undisclosed uses and many are owned overseas. Furthermore, many of them publicize this info online. If you had access to a local hospital lab that was guaranteed to keep this confidential medical information confidential and within their own control, that would be the safe option, but as you say, somewhat silly and unnecessary in your situation.
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  • 22
    Font - Outrageous_Job_2358 · 4 hr. ago People are saying his reasons are bad but not wanting your future kids to already have their DNA sold online seems super reasonable and forward thinking to me.
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  • 23
    Font - devilsgirl87 11 hr. ago Enthusiast [8] A: ESH. It's fine if you don't want to take a DNA test, but you can't say that she can't though. If she's related to bad people, so be it, but what if she's not? She's free to take that DNA test all she wants with 23andMe. She's an AH for trying to make you take one when you obviously don't want to and making assumptions about your family that probably aren't true. 67 Reply Share r3dd1T192837465 4 hr. ago YES THIS 100%
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