'I refuse to lift a finger': Dad resists cleaning for his daughter's party after wife rejects his ideas

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Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Mar 6, 2023 3:00 PM EST

Cleaning for a 5 year old's birthday party is pushing this couple into a huge fight. This couple has a 5 year old daughter, and they each work between 60-80 hours per week in legal careers. If that already sounds exhausting, they're also adding on the stress of organizing a party for their kiddo. 

The OP writes that his wife really wants this party held at their home, but she isn't satisfied with the cleanliness of their home. U/Silas_Of_The_Lambs, the OP, added that his wife needs the place to look "completely spotless," which he thinks is a pretty unreachable goal. He instead offered a bunch of other perfectly reasonable solutions: hiring a cleaning service, asking friends and family for help, and even just accepting that their place won't be spotless. But none of that is going to fly with his wife… In the comments, people offered heartfelt advice for this OP and his wife for how they can manage their expectations and salvage their child's party despite their spat. 

Next up, this guy tried to help out his neighbor before a massive winter storm, but he got shouted off her property instead. 

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    Font - r/AmItheA hole. Posted by u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs 1 day ago 2 WIBTA if I refuse to lift a finger to get the house ready for my daughter's 5th birthday? Not the A-hole Because of events partially beyond our control, my wife and I are, for the past couple of months, extremely busy. For me it's the ordinary ebb and flow of legal practice, and for her it's some overlap between the freelance work she used to do and the full- time job she recently got. But what it comes down to is that we're each
    via u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs
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    Font - Our daughter will turn 5 shortly, and we'll be holding a party for her at our place. Based on experience, there's going to be a great deal of panic cleaning to get the house up to the completely spotless standard that's all DW will accept whenever anyone not a member of our immediate family is going to set foot inside. Neither of us is really up to this, but I'm the only one who realizes it.
    via u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs
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    Font - I raised this with her and proposed all of the following: - Hiring a maid service to come and clean up the house. (We can afford this) - Taking some friends up on offers they've made to help with house things. - Paying one friend, who has also offered and who is in money trouble, to help with the cleanup. - Having her mother or my mother (who will both likely attend the party) help out beforehand, which they'd both be happy to do.
    via u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs
  • 05
    Font - - Accepting a lower standard of cleanliness since we're pretty much just inviting 4 and 5 year olds and their parents, all of whom I'd expect to be quite understanding about the state of a house with small children in it. - Holding the party somewhere other than in our house.
    via u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs
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    Font - She refused all of these. She said "we can handle it." So I told her that there's no "we." I'm not ready to spend a whole day deep- cleaning our house, and so if she's going to refuse any outside help whatsoever and also insist on her usual high standard for guests, she'll be the one bearing the consequences of that, not me. We have a... well, not exactly a schedule, but a system ... for ordinary household chores, and I'll abide by that, but there's no space in my life right now to undert
    via u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs
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    Font - Saladin1204 1 day ago . Parta: ipant [2] NTA. You've offered sensible suggestions and are thinking ahead. It's not you who is punishing your daughter and/or guests. And it's not you who thinks it's that important for you to be right. It's her. Your wife is being unrealistic and you've offered to help in every possible way. Question is, why is she refusing those options? It seems rather odd.
    via u/Saladin1204
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    Font - maypokenewtonaway 22 hr. ago Honestly it sounds like the only person punishing and being punished is OPs wife! I agree with op thinking the birthday girl's friends' parents probably won't care if the house isn't completely spotless. The wife is putting this too high standard on herself and she's the only one who will suffer to meet it or suffer if it's not met.
    via u/maypokenewtonaway
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    Font - rissanox 22 hr. ago Partas ipant [1] I assume she is refusing outside because she's embarrassed about the state of her house. With regular chores, it doesn't sound like their house is disgusting, but the wife has a standard for guests coming over. I think it's reasonable that she wants a nice looking house but is being unreasonable in OP's many suggested options.
    via u/rissanox
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    Font - not_addictive · 20 hr. ago She sounds like my mom was when I was a kid. My mom used to be so painfully anxious that she couldn't even allow a roomba to vacuum for her. She's been in therapy lately and my dad started hiring someone to clean once a month (an old family friend who fell on some hard times, like OP suggested too). She's doing a lot better now because she's started to work on her need to control all the little things. I think OP's wife might just feel a little out of control or
    via u/not_addictive
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    Font - o Ohcrumbcakes 16 hr. ago As hole Enthusiast [5] She's refusing those options likely because of shame, embarrassment, pride, and trying not to feel like a failure. There's a lot of pressure especially for women to have their homes and families in "perfect" order along with maintaining busy careers. She likely feels like accepting help is admitting she is a failure and also includes having other people SEE the mess. While she should go along with one of OPs suggestions (especially having t
    via u/Ohcrumbcakes
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    Plant - ImportantAlbatross 18 hr. ago It sounds like it's "that important" for the wife to have things exactly her way with no compromise.
    via u/ImportantAlbatross
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    Font - o Redditc admins 1 day ago NTA. You have her multiple solutions that all involved her needing to do less work and she refused? Why? Out of pride? Reply Share 696 Silas_Of_The_Lambs OP 1 day ago There are several reasons. For example, I knew from the start she'd turn down any help from my mother - they don't get along. But I have trouble understanding the rest of it. She has trouble assimilating new ideas that deviate from the plan she already made in her head, so maybe that's all it is, o
    via u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs
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    Font - Patrickosplayhouse 1 day ago Partas ipant [1] NTA. Whom are you punishing, by suggesting all the alternatives? why.... nobody. At all. five year old: you ruined my big day, because you didn't vacuum the curtains. said no five year old, ever. Perfect way to deal with cleaning obsession. Offer to fix it YOUR way, and let her know she's on her own, if she insists on doing it HER way.
    via u/Patrickosplayhouse
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    Font - 1568314 1 day ago A hole Aficionado [18] She said "is it that important to you to be right?" This is hilarious because she is the one refusing a reasonable solution. She's the one who is set on maintaining some fiction of perfection. She doesn't get to volunteer you for non-essential things you have been clear that you don't want to do and cannot manage. So it's not "we" can handle it ourselves. It's either she cam do it on her own or she can accept outside help. Honestly though, she's th
    via u/1568314
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    Font - NTA tell your wife she isn't less of a mother or host because she can't literally create more hours in a day.
    via u/1568314
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    Font - Irish_beast 21 hr. ago Parta ipant [2] I've discovered the accusation "You're just trying to be right" means: You are of course right, but you're being right is unacceptable to me. How dare you fracture the false reality I've created for my own satisfaction with mundane truth & logic.
    via u/Irish_beast
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    Font - Possible_Thief. 1 day ago A hole Enthusiast [7] ΝΤΑ I cannot imagine a scenario in which I could afford to pay someone to clean for me, and I decided I would rather do it myself in between other massive time commitments. Why?? The hoard of preschoolers are just going to tear the place to shreds anyways.
    via u/Possible_Thief
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    Font - PrestigiousValue4028 . 1 day ago NTA. Your wife is manipulative (making you believe you are hurting your daughter) and controlling (insisting her way is the only way).
    via u/PrestigiousValue4028
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    Font - o Ok-Inevitable-6397 1 day ago Does she struggle to accept help from anyone? I was raised that asking for help is wrong, you have to do everything yourself be independent ect. Then asking for help I have been made fun of or let down. It has made it incredibly hard to accept help or reach out for help - Regardless if it seems reasonable or not. I would rather destroy myself than do it. I acknowledge that I need therapy. But women are often socialised this way regardless. If your house isn'
    via u/Ok-Inevitable-6397
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    Font - Putting it all on her or suggestions that she isn't comfortable with just makes it harder because then the one person she actually feels she can depend on is letting her down too. 39 Reply Share . Silas_Of_The_Lambs OP 1 day ago I would dearly love to understand this better and figure out ways to work with it. Our marriage is healthy, but her chronic unwillingness to accept help from anyone but me is one of the biggest sources of conflict in it.
    via u/Silas_Of_The_Lambs
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    Font - butterflyinflight. 1 day ago Parta ipant [1] NTA. Your child could benefit from the time spent with her far more than from having her parents frantically deep clean the house. Hire people and take her out somewhere. With your hectic work schedules, I'm sure she misses you both. No, I'm not saying either of you are anything other than good parents. Im saying your limited time and energy can be better spent with her than with cleaning.
    via u/butterflyinflight
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    Font - mejok 1 day ago As nole Enthusiast [6] NTA - we have really gotten in the habit of doing birthday parties elsewhere (like indoor playgrounds that have organized birthday events with a member of staff to organize everything). Also, you guys should work less. No wonder you can't take care of this yourselves, you're always at work.
    via u/mejok

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