Cringey First Date Nightmare: Hot Lifeguard Can Tango but Is an Animal Hater and Doesn’t Deserve His Genes

So today you get a dose of pure honest literature, AKA this actually happened — to me.

Once upon a time, I was young, carefree, and naïve. I believed in the best of people. Now?

I know better.

Back in the day, I was at a club, lowkey bored out of my mind, not really enjoying the music or the company I was there with. Then entered a tall, literal model of a dude, and my eyebrows shot up well past my forehead.

He noticed me as well, sitting with my legs crossed on a small bar stool, my golden hair tumbling down my bare shoulders, the ambient club lighting casting a wicked gleam in my stare.

We both eyed each other dramatically until he came up and invited me to dance the tango with him. I was floored at his confidence, as the entire club was jamming to techno. I gracefully accepted his offer and thought to myself, ‘This is it! I have found my soulmate’.

The air felt electric. After our quick dance, we exchanged names, numbers, and set up a date for later that week.

We spoke a bit via messages, and I ignored the fact that our conversations felt a bit stale. I was beginning to like ‘Chad’. I hadn't been out in a while, and I was excited about this date.

But then, Chad did what you never do… he texted me about a half hour before we were supposed to meet, saying he was ‘tired' and asked if we could reschedule. Inwardly I was like ‘Yo, WTF? I’m literally dressed and ready to go'.

But I didn’t want to write him off, because he was hot, and I was young and stupid, thinking people deserved a couple of chances. By the way girls, they do not.

So we set up a different time and day. He told me to meet him at the beach in XYZ city (where he lived) and I drove a full forty-five minutes to get there, because ‘my city was boring’ anyway, so it ‘made more sense’.

Then I proceeded with a couple more naïve thoughts, such as, ‘Well if I drove all the way here and am gonna pay for parking, I bet he brought a nice picnic blanket, a couple of beers, and a speaker that he would play some chill romantic music from’.

I arrived at the location he’d sent, which happened to be a lifeguard tower, and waited a few minutes for him. I wondered which direction he’d be coming from.

Then low and behold, he walks out of said tower, still in his lifeguard uniform, and I realize very quickly that he had me meet him after his shift at work. Hmmm, how convenient for him.

We said our awkward hellos and began to walk in no particular direction, talking about the weather or something else as equivalently stupid.

At one point something super random happened — we came across a small baby bird on the ground, that had apparently fallen from its nest in a tree. It was so tiny that we’d nearly stepped on it, and my heart nearly exploded out of my chest with compassion.

I immediately told him we needed to get the cutie out of harm’s way. The beach was packed and I was pretty afraid something would happen to it. People were walking all over without even glancing at the ground.

And do you know what his reaction was?

He said, and I quote, ‘Why? Let nature do its job’.

I think my jaw hit the floor. It was at that moment that I knew I hated him.

I ignored his stupid reply and wrapped the birdie up in my sweater, then found a green area where I safely placed it down. I looked around for its mother but it was a bird, and I can’t fly, so at one point I kind of gave up. There were other birdies there so I figured it would be okay.

I wanted to go home already, but again, I was young and not very assertive, so I stayed. The date lasted exactly one hour (Too long). He didn’t bring beer, let alone water. At one point he offered me Skittles, which I politely declined.

He didn’t know how to carry a conversation, didn’t ask any questions, and came across generally as a lazy, inconsiderate AH with whom I wanted nothing to do with.

I began wondering how someone so hot (and originally creative what with the whole tango thing) could be such a disappointment of a human being.

I eventually found the courage to say I had to go, so he walked me to my car (The one nice thing he did). Then I felt bad (lol) and offered to drive him home. He accepted my offer.

As we left the lot, I paid for parking. He said nothing.

We began the painfully awkward drive to his place in absolute silence. You could have cut the tension with a knife. The entire time, I was thinking how utterly stupid I was at offering him a ride when it was such a bad detour. And quite a detour it was —  It took me one hour to take him home inside this stupid city.

We pulled up to his house, and I smiled tensely at him. He removed his seat belt as I (obviously) stayed put, unresponsive.

I genuinely don’t know why he had to open his mouth again, but he had the AUDACITY to tell me I couldn’t come up to his apartment as if I wasn’t utterly immobile at that point.

I turned my head a bit and said, ‘Dude, please… read the room.'

He goggled at me for a sec, and then he literally leaned in across two seats, halfway out of the car, and tried to kiss me.

I asked myself if he was stupid or if I was somehow giving off any type of romantic signal. I came to the conclusion that he was stupid.

I awkwardly leaned away and told him simply, ‘No’.

He kind of stopped midway, as the back of my head was pushed up against my car window. My mouth was a thin line, and I was just kind of gaping at him as ‘Youth’ by MGMT played in the background.

‘Let’s do this again sometime’, he said.

Then he pulled back and got out of the car. His jacket got caught in the car door as he slammed it shut.

I continued staring silently at him, as he fumbled, embarrassed, trying to yank it out. He succeeded, and we never spoke a word to one another again.

Needless to say, lesson learned.