Intense sibling rivalry tears family apart when uncle refuses to pay for academically-challenged nephew's education despite paying for niece's: "I don't think it will be a good investment"

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    AITA refusing pay my nephew's private school after paid my niece's?

    He is now feeling rejected and has been comparing himself to Chloe, asking why he's "not good enough." 00 X 4 40 50 60 70 21
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    I (45M) have done well financially as a lawyer and try to help my family where I can. My younger brother, Sam (40M), and his wife, Melissa (38F), have two kids: Chloe (16F) and Ryan (12M). Chloe
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    and I have always been close she's bright, ambitious, and passionate about her future. Ryan, on the other hand, is a lot harder to connect with. He's rebellious, struggles in school, and doesn't seem to care about much.
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    Two years ago, Sam and Melissa asked me to help pay for Chloe's private school tuition. They couldn't afford it, and Chloe had her heart set on attending. She even wrote me a heartfelt letter explaining why the school was important to her and how she
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    planned to excel there. Her sincerity and drive impressed me, so I agreed. I've been covering half her tuition since then, and Chloe has thrived she's a straight-A student, involved in extracurriculars, and even looking at top colleges. I couldn't be prouder of her.
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    Cheezburger Image 10460003328
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    Recently, Sam and Melissa approached me again, asking me to do the same for Ryan. This is where things get complicated. Ryan is nothing like Chloe. He's been suspended multiple times for bad
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    behavior, doesn't put effort into his studies, and honestly, he's kind of a brat. I've tried to bond with him over the years, but he's always been dismissive. Based on what I've seen, he doesn't care about school and hasn't shown the same drive Chloe did.
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    Will NOT TALK IN CLASS I WILL NOT TALK INCASS I TALKIN WILL NOT TALK IN CLASS WILL NOT TALK IN CLASS TALK IN CLA
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    I told Sam and Melissa I wasn't comfortable paying for Ryan's private school because I didn't think it would be a good investment. They were furious. Melissa accused me of playing favorites and said I was making Ryan feel like a "lost cause." Sam said I
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    was creating division in their family by treating their kids unequally. Things got worse when Ryan overheard part of the conversation. Melissa later called me, crying, saying Ryan is now feeling rejected and has been comparing himself to Chloe, asking why he's "not good enough."
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    Cheezburger Image 10460003584
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    I tried to explain my reasoning: I didn't just give Chloe money; she earned it by showing she was serious about her education. I even suggested using the money to pay for tutoring or extracurricular programs Ryan might actually enjoy, but they dismissed it, saying it wasn't the same.
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    Now my parents are involved, and they think I'm being too harsh. They say private school might help Ryan find structure and improve his behavior, and that I should give him the same opportunity I gave
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    Chloe. Other family members are divided my sister agrees with me, saying Sam and Melissa are entitled for expecting me to bankroll both kids' educations. But the tension is growing, and I'm starting to feel like the bad guy.
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    I love my nephew, and I hate that he feels rejected, but I can't shake the feeling that this would be throwing money away. At the same time, I worry this could permanently damage my relationship with my family. Am I wrong for refusing to pay for Ryan's private school tuition?
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    selene_666 I think you should talk to Ryan. Something like: Before this tuition thing blows up any further, I want to hear what YOU want. Not what your parents are forcing you into. When your sister was your age she came to me begging for help to attend a special
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    school because it was important to her. And I agree that it's only fair for me to offer you the same gift if you want it. But I don't want to spend a lot of money on a gift that you won't even like. Maybe you have a different goal that I can help you with, or maybe you haven't decided yet and I should wait and help pay for college instead.
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    nekomoo And if he does want to go to private school, set clear goalposts for him to show he would take advantage of it before you commit - 1 year at his current school with no suspensions, minimum X GPA, etc.
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    Feed MeCookies92 This was my thought too, have Ryan prove first he can be a trustworthy investment. Cuz essentially that's what OP is doing, investing in Ryan's future. If private school is what he wants then he needs to prove he can stick with it, go
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    to class, get the grades and such and he can start proving that by improving his current situation in school. Definitely not worth losing the money if this is his parents idea and it's going to be wasted by him getting suspended
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    Felaguin I agree with talking with the nephew. I don't agree with telling him "it's only fair ...". Instead, I would tell him, "Is this what you really want because you don't seem motivated by school. Is there something else that you want as much as your sister wanted this school? Something you will work toward?"
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    Kylie754 In addition to this- private school is working for Chloe. The curriculum suits her style of learning. But if a traditional public school isn't a good fit for Ryan, it may make his behaviour and attitude worse.
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    Asking what he wants is a good idea. No point sending him to private school if he wants to do an apprenticeship or learn a trade. It would be fair to give him a similar sized financial support option. It would not be fair to force him to attend a private school.
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    Past-Minimum-7632 NTA. Funny how your family feels so entitled to YOUR money. Tell them they can pay the tuition for BOTH kids if they keep it up. Your brother is really taking advantage of you. Why do you allow that?
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    WayOfIntegrity OP Can tell the nephew to pull up his socks, turnaround his academics if he wants the same privileges as his sister. He has to earn them, and not expect them to be gifted.
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    CostLive6540 You're not the a_h_le. Chloe proved she was ready to make the most of that opportunity, and Ryan hasn't shown the same. It's not favoritism; it's about making sure the help you give actually matters. Plus, you even offered alternatives for him-Sam and Melissa need to stop acting entitled to your money.
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    FigProfessional 2511 NTA. You helped Chloe because she showed real effort and passion for her future, which is totally understandable. It's not about playing favorites, it's about investing in someone who's actively trying to succeed. Ryan hasn't shown that drive, and it's not
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    fair to just throw money at the problem when he hasn't earned it. You offered alternatives like tutoring, but they weren't interested. It's not your job to bankroll both kids' educations, especially if one isn't putting in the effort. Your family needs to respect your decision.
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    juzme99 In the future are they also expecting you to pay there college, if they don't get scholarships. Also you are paying Chloe's for 2 years they are asking you to pay Ryan's for more than 4 yrs.
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    AggressivelyPurple Inquiry: Does anyone know WHY Ryan struggles in school? Have they sought out evaluation/counseling/ tutoring/etc for him? His issues could be a sign of untreated ADHD, some sort of ab e or bu ying, or maybe he IS chronically coddled. It's one thing if he's just not interested in school but a whole other if
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    he's actually struggling and his parents aren't actually doing anything to get him the help he needs. That's on them, of course, but you might feel like less of a possible bad guy and can point out to them that there are things they need to deal with before you'd even consider spending money on an education for him.
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    Klutzy_Leave_1797 This right here. NTA, OP, but please make these suggestions. ← 34
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    lemon-sour NTA. You're generous, not an ATM. Chloe showed drive and made the most of the opportunity, while Ryan hasn't shown he'd value it. Investing in him without effort on his part feels like throwing money away. You even suggested alternatives ffs.

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