Grandpa Pressures Mom to Attend His Wife's Mother's Funeral Over Her 5-Year-Old Daughter's Dance Recital

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Jun 16, 2026 4:30 PM EDT

Was she wrong to reject his invitation to the funeral? 

Funerals are a stressful time. You have to be focused on planning this huge event that appropriately honors the life of your loved one while trying to distract yourself from the grief that's currently eating you alive. I have no idea how people can get through funeral speeches and songs without bursting into tears immediately. It's such a huge burden to bear, and I admire anyone who can do it, whether they cry through the whole process or hold it together when people are around. 

The stress of funeral planning can lead to family fighting. There are so many trivial things to fight over for a funeral. Aunt June ordered the wrong type of flowers, and now we're out $300 for an unsightly arrangement. The adult children of the deceased disagree on whether to have a closed or open casket. One of the cousins doesn't want to attend the funeral, and his brothers and sisters are yelling at him, pressuring him to attend against his will. It's very common for grief to seep into all your relationships. Your grief might make it difficult to forgive those around you for letting you down. 

The dad in this story wanted his daughter and granddaughter to attend his wife's mother's funeral. He didn't want them to come to support him; he wanted them to support his wife emotionally. When his daughter told him that they couldn't come because her 5-year-old had a dance recital, he offered to pay for her to come without her daughter, but she had already made up her mind. Now she's wondering whether or not she did the right thing.

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  • Young ballerinas preparing for a dance recital for their family and friends
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Models representing young ballerinas preparing for a dance recital for their family and friends. 

  • Am I the bad guy for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral?

    My daughter (5yo) had a dance recital on Saturday. Her dance studio scheduled everything a couple months ago, so my husband and I were prepared to attend.
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • Last Wednesday, my father informed me his mother-in-law (his wife's mother) had passed away, and the funeral would be on Saturday. He said that he and his wife wanted
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • me to attend it with my family, but would settle for just me. I'll be honest, I didn't want to go. I didn't have a close relationship with my father's mother-in-law
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • and my kids saw her once a year at most. But I wouldn't mind attending if it weren't for my daughter's recital. The funeral would take place in a different city (a very
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • short flight away, which my father had offered to cover), so it wouldn't be possible to attend both. I offered my condolences, but said my daughter had a dance recital on
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • Saturday and my family wouldn't be able to attend the funeral. My father said he understood why I couldn't take my children, though his wife was disappointed I
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • wouldn't just tell my daughter's dance studio that there had been a "family emergency." In spite of that, they both thought I should still go. on my own. They said
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • that my husband could attend the recital on his own, that missing one of my daughter's events when I'm there for everything else wouldn't be a big deal, and that
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • she's so young that she probably wouldn't remember it anyway. She'd have more recitals in the future, but the funeral would only happen once. I stood my ground.
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • A family embracing on the day of a loved one's funeral
    via The Good Funeral Guide

    A representation of a family embracing on the day of a loved one's funeral. 

  • Saturday came. I attended my daughter's dance recital. Both my father and his wife were radio silent all day, and I chose not to bother them.
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • My father finally called me yesterday, and we had an argument. He said his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • The dad's distraught wife, who is both mourning the loss of her mother and feeling resentful that her husband's daughter didn't attend her mother's funeral.
    via Claudia Wolff

    A woman pretending to be the dad's distraught wife, who is both mourning the loss of her mother and feeling resentful that her husband's daughter didn't attend her mother's funeral. 

  • weren't there to say our goodbyes. He also said he was disappointed at how dismissive I'd been of his wife and her family, and he couldn't believe I'd refused to make such a
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • small sacrifice for someone who would drop everything to do the same for me. I continued to stand by what I did. I understand her passing was sudden
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • and the funeral was rushed, but I had made a commitment to my daughter, and I wanted to honor it. My father said she should be old enough to understand that her
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • mom had something more important to do. AITAH?
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • Stairowl I don't want to say your an AH exactly, but depending on your relationship with your dad and his wife.... You weren't very nice to them. Funerals aren't for the de d. They are for the living loved ones who are suffering the loss. Now, it sounds like that's not you. Which is fine. I have distant relatives that I've been fairly indifferent about when they passed.
    via u/Stairowl
  • But, if you have a good relationship with your dad (and everything I wrote below hinges on the idea that you do), you should go to the funeral when he's asks to SUPPORT HIM while he grieves. It sounds like he really wanted you there and it added to his hurt that you refused to attend. With that being said, I agree that you should always seek to keep commitments you make to your children, but there are going to be times when you can't. This could have been a good opportunity for you to teach your
    via u/Stairowl
  • If your children don't learn that sometimes the best played plans go sideways because of events beyond their control, they can become very ridged and unforgiving in their approach to life. I want to finish by saying that I lost my dad unexpectedly earlier in the year and since then I've been pondering some of the smaller details of our relationship. I can imagine if I was in the situation you described here, I'd be beating myself up a little for shunning his bid for support and understanding.
    via u/Stairowl
  • RecitalFuneralThrow OP I think that's a very good comment. I'll try to answer your questions as well as I can: - I'm not close with my father's wife and consider her extended family at best. My father and I have a rocky relationship for various reasons, but I do love him and we see each other on a decently frequent basis. - I show up to almost everything my father and his wife invite me to. My father wasn't fond of his mother-in-law and, based on their history, did not want me there to support h
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • wife. Both of them have a history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are. I am perfectly fine with our current relationship and have no interest in bonding with her any further for a number of reasons. - I really do not think my daughter should need to learn anything from this. If anything, I'd rather show her she will always come first to me. I agree it's important to teach kids that things don't always go according to plan, but there are other ways to teach this. I'm very sorry to hear
    via u/RecitalFuneralThrow
  • b00boothafool Definitely NTA. Your dad is putting a lot of pressure on you to be emotionally supportive for his wife, over your daughter. It's totally ok for you to set a boundary and choose your daughter over your dad and his wife. His reaction is immature and it makes it pretty clear why y'all have a strained relationship. A mutually supportive father/daughter relationship wouldn't involve the dad laying a guilt trip and pushing boundaries. He's just emotionally immature and it sounds like you
    via u/b00boothafool

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wife parenting funeral dad mother in law Grandpa dance mom emotional-support
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