Thirty-Two Humorous Tweets That Got Us Laughing

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    Building - Jay @JayUncut No fckn way Translate Tweet SURF TURF MEAL DEALS SINATU SIDES 12P 1PC 2-10 EVERAGES POES 8:52 PM 11/13/19 from Brookhaven, GA Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Ben Mekler @benmekler Vin Diesel taught Judi Dench how to play Dungeons & Dragons on the set of THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK and she went on to become DM for her grandchildren
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    Text - roob @roob_drummer snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was "we slidin" i cant stop thinking about this 9:50 AM 11/11/19 from Chicag0, IL Twitter for iPhone 27.8K Retweets 195K Likes
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    Text - Lani Rose @Perilandra Me making voodoo dolls of my friends so I can finally give them all what they deserve *gently hugs each one and tells them they're amazing and I'm proud of them*
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    Dog - WeRateDogs® @dog rates This is Narwhal. He was born with an extra tail on his forehead. It hasn't wagged yet but he's working on it. 14/10 always read the instructions before assembling your puppy 6:40 PM- Nov 13, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - daddydrinksfizzywater @daddydrinksfiz1 Just offered a sincere compliment on a Movember moustache and the lady lost it on me.
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    Text - no more mr wite guy @The Society Dude Hulu (no ads) $13 Netflix-$12 HBO now/max - $15 Disney+ $7 Amazon Prime - $9 E-girl Premium Snapchats $2654 CBS All Access - $6 Total, $2716 a month for streaming and entertainment services Explain how this was supposed to save us money over cable? 4:54 PM 12 Nov 19 Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Matthew Frederickson @itsmattfred The Black Plague was a PR disaster for rats as a species. They never truly recovered until 2007 (release of Ratatouille) 1:36 13 Nov 19 Twitter Web App 59.2K Retweets 324K Likes Matthew Frederickson @itsmattfred 1d Replying to @itsmattfred people in my mentions talking about "stuart little." stuart little is a mouse, you babbling idiots. Li 392 19 7,812 Matthew Frederickson @itsmattfred 9h To everybody using this tweet as an excuse to post pictures of the
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    Eyewear - that's not funny @notfunnyelle this baby dressed as david from schitt's creek and I cannot stop laughing A A 10:50 AM 11/1/19 Twitter for Android
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    Text - Chakra Khan @WeezyWTF Shoutout to my sugar daddy 5 years ago for laying the groundwork, but I don't have to always credit my good fortune to him anymore. There's women that have been handed thousands of dollars from men years ago that didnt flip it like I did, and cant still count that money today.
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    Text - DConner89 @TaureanReign We are less than two months away from the New year new me folks. Be prepared for packed gyms, temporary diets, and a whole lot of lies
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    Cat - lena Follow @electrapng I absolutely love medieval paintings of cats, because why on earth did painters think this is what cats look like?? RETWEETS ЦKES 17,060 28,550
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    Text - lena @notlena iopened a dm pic from a guy expecting it to be a dick pic but it was a poem which is somehow worse LMFAO 9:03 PM 11/10/19 Twitter for iPhone 5,950 Retweets 91.1K Likes
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    Text - Bess Kalb @bessbell ok bloomer Bonpoint HOME BABY & TODDLER PANTS & BLOOMERS DOUMI BLOOMERS BLACK CHECK From $115.00 COLOR : Black check SIZE Size guide 6M 12M 18M 2A ADD TO CART 6:31 PM 11/4/19 Twitter Web App
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    Cat - MAKEUP Follow @GlamourGoals i'm pretty sure my cat watches youtube makeup tutorials while i'm at work.. RETWEETS LIKES 260 1,173
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    Text - no more mr wife guy @TheSocietyDude Sorry sir, I like to support women and entrepreneurship coleman null @creatorcole 11h Replying to @TheSocietyDude How about not paying for girls nudes? Lol easy step. 11:54 AM 11/13/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 17
    Product - Patrick Shearer @PatShearer Oh no. 00 OFF MLS T e orinks andmore 0OFFA Snappls or off ceap to your roo at vitaminwater CLACEAU flu shots are so last year essential dofense से less snotty tissues more immunity more vitaminc GTS GTS GTS GTS KOMBUCH organic kombuch NERGY organic & f rganic kombucha nic kombucha CAYENNA mzymes INGERBERS Ass INGERDERR GINGERBERRY ENLIGHTr 4:00 AM 11/13/19 Twitter for Android vitaminwater vitaminwater vitaminwater
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    Text - decent pigeon @decentbirthday This is why I hate group projects Cecentblthday iMessage Hey, are you gonna finish your slides? The project is due in a couple hours @decentbirthday ooenitethaay Now he's refusing to talk to me on text, Snapchat, and DMs, which is funny because I know he wants my attention yet he's pretending he doesn't My bad for not doing them. My boyfriend was hanging out with this chick last night that I know has a crush on him, and we just got a puppy together and now I'
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    Text - Eden Dranger @Eden_Eats What was your harshest rejection? first. One time, a super charming I'll go guy I had a crush on took me out to dinner a few times, invited me to a swanky gala, had me over for Thanksgiving, and then introduced me to his buddy as "a girl I wish was my sister". 3:05 PM 11/9/19 Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Chris Burns @fatcarriebshaw The thing I miss most about high school is the funny way that I used to think literally anything mattered
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    Text - Daddy's Digest @daddysdigest My wife refuses to let me make our bed. Not that I want to, but apparently she doesn't trust me to get it right. No issues with me dressing the toddler though. 7:48 PM 11/13/19 Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - maggie mull @infinitesimull Please insert your card Do not remove card Do not remove card Do not re-- REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU
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    Dog - Black Rose @blackrOse_x T have no idea where he found this miscellaneous potato, but l've been laughing for twenty minutes.
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    Text - Matthew Frederickson @itsmattfred you be in her DMs... i be in her dissertation... you and me are not the same Hi Matt, can I cite your rat tweet in my dissertation? It's about pest control in Victorian cities, I think your tweet would be a good opener :) 10:52 AM
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    Text - WTFDAD @daddydoubts Having sex in your late thirties is great because the foot and leg cramps will tell you when to switch positions. 10:29 AM 11/13/19 Twitter for iPhone
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    Kettlebell - FAIRY GLOW MOTHER® @fairyglowmother Halle Berry getting abs at 53 is inspiring me to wait until my 50s to get them @halleberry 20h Halle Berry Finally got them! VENIM VENIIM 6:58 PM 11/10/19 Twitter for iPhone . 36.9K Retweets 166K Likes VENUM
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    Text - Grae Hall @HallGrae Studying high school biology in the early 90s wasn't easy. Like when we were doing a unit on marine biology. We didn't have your fancy internet to easily search info about plankton. We had to go to the school library to look it up. On microfiche. #Jokes # 90s #Biology 12:09 AM 9/27/19 Twitter Web App
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    Text - salt, fat, acid, yeet @hermit_hwarang Had a fight recently about whether JLo is a "triple threat" because she has attempted film, music, and dance. I, too, can run, swim, and ride a bike, but that doesn't make me a triathlete 9:18 AM Nov 13, 2019 Twitter for iPhone 4.3K Likes 826 Retweets
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    Text - Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett Give me a tote bag so enormous that I can rummage for something and say "one sec" and climb inside the bag and then you hear me going down a set of stairs. 12:09 PM 11/8/19 Twitter Web App
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    Text - chris evans @notcapnamerica 1d Look, y'all. Thanksgiving is not the time for you test some shit out for the first time. Experiment on your own time when we don't all have to eat that mess. Stick to what you know.
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    Text - Professional Worrier @com3t0thinkOfit Iwould like to personally thank the twenty one pilots. My kids now wake me up for the day by yelling: WAKE UP YOU NEED TO MAKE MONEY 9:06 AM 11/13/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 32
    Text - T PHER @tophuwithrice the year is 2085 the Christmas season now starts in February a resistance group rises up to fight against the efforts by the American retail chains to form a Christmas dystopia this is their story...


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