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Forty Funny Tweets Just For The LOLs

Funny 'n random tweets here for when you need 'em the most! We've got everything here that you could want, from relatable content to incredibly dumb sh*t that you don't actually need in your life - but you want it, and that's all that matters.

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  • 1
    Dog - WeRateDogs® @dog_rates This is Journee. She heard you needed a hug. Trotted over as fast as she could. 12/10 will stay as long as you need Max P. Goldberg 5:59 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 2
    Text - Dad That Writes @dadthatwrites Replace the word "sex" with "bacon" in any context and it's amazing 5:52 PM 11/13/19 Twitter for Android 83 Retweets 338 Likes @dadthatwr... -20h Dad That Writes Too much baconual innuendo in this thread 19 Henpecked Hal @Henpecked Hal 20h Replying to @dadthatwrites I want to have bacon with you and your roommate. @dadthatwr... 20h Dad That Writes No premarital bacon 28
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  • 3
    Text - Laith @laithalishious This Facebook conversation from the 6th grade is the reason I never shoot shot my ll T-Mobile LTE 24%I 12:05 AM 12/06/2011, 5:25 PM Facebook i am going to tell u who i like I promise I won't tell to 12/07/2011, 1:36 PM 12/04/2011, 8:18 PM yay who?? ill think about it it is u 12/06/2011, 5:25 PM 12/08/2011, 3:56 PM i am going to tell u who i like are we still friends 12/07/2011, 1:36 PM 12/09/2011, 8:03 AM yay who?? Just please don't talk to me it is u
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  • 4
    Text - Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal ME: will the kids ever realize we give them bullshit tasks just to keep them out of our hair? WIFE: from my experience, no ME: so naive! WIFE: yeah...say, can you rotate the garden hoses again? ME: on it! 11:56 AM 11/14/19 Twitter Web App
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  • 5
    Text - Stewie Tea @stewteee Who the fuck first looked at a chicken and thought, under all that loose skin and feathers, that looks fucking tasty? 2:13 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for Android
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  • 6
    Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Marriage is 50% your wife being upset that don't do enough chores and 50% of her yelling at you for ruining her shirt by doing the laundry. you 4:37 AM 11/14/19 Twitter Web App
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  • 7
    Text - MehGyver @AndrewNadeau0 ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients. RECIPE SITE: Sure! ME: Thank you. RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY love these ingredients ME: "Whispers* No. RECIPE SITE: -It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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  • 8
    Text - Kaylon Massey @kaylon_massey Wine drunk don't even announce its presence. You be chillin, then next thing you know things start getting real lusty
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  • 9
    Text - Maryfairyboberry @MaryJustice86 first year not sitting This will be my down to a toxic family member's table for Thanksgiving. We are not obligated out of guilt to endure emotional and mental abuse because of a holiday. 5:45 AM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 10
    Text - BreakingDadOGV @erichwithach A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it. 8:30 AM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone 267 Retweets 850 Likes TheLion'sGambit @LionSGambit7 3h Replying to @erichwithach Genius...'ll be one of your first investors...want to get in early before this thing skyrockets! BreakingDadOGV @erichwithach 3h Sell a game you can only play once...cause you eat all the pieces. Perfect
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  • 11
    Text - D3. @CurlyCappuccino My homegirl went on a date off of Tinder. He wanted to go hiking, she was like nah a public place. The date was super weird, she deleted his number after. A month later he was arrested for killing a girl in the woods. He was a serial killer. 9:06 AM 11/12/19 Tweetlogix
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  • 12
    Text - Josh the Alwrighty @Tryptofantastic just watched my wife shovel the snow from our front walk via our doorbell camera and it was better than porn 1:14 PM 11/11/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 13
    Text - Simone @SimoneSpringer I wonder how many porn stars have gotten confused when they were asked for headshots. 11:30 PM 11/13/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 14
    Text - You Fool You've Kirst Us All @Winskillfull Dog owners: This is the goodest dog,my best friend Cat owners: This is my goblin child, evil incarnate, I've never loved anything more 16:40 16 Jun 19 Twitter for Android 471 Retweets 1,879 Likes
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  • 15
    Text - Chad Loder @chadloder My son just OK Boomer'd me. Bitch I'm Gen X, I will put you in a facial recognition database and drown you in student loan debt 11:20 PM 12 Nov 19 Twitter for iPhone 5,934 Retweets 46.5K Likes
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  • 16
    Text - Everyone say 'thank you' to the nice artists and animators that listened to criticism and fixed their mistakes BEFORE AFTER Branden Rouse 7 hrs I still cant believe yall cyber-bullied an entire studio
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  • 17
    Soil - Dan Sheehan @ltsDanSheehan Nothing makes me laugh as consistently as remembering the story of Hitchbot, the hitchhiking robot that made it all the way across Canada and tried to do the same in the USA but was immediately beaten to death in Philadelphia
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  • 18
    Mammal - 73% 11:57 AM Tweet Benjamin Young Savage (... @benjancewicz Iraqi protesters bring out Lions to counter police dogs. 11:11 AM 14 Nov 19 Buffer 9 Retweets 41 Likes rt
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  • 19
    Text - Tweet Tess Barker @TesstifyBarker FYI a woman in Italy told me it's healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time Oversæt Tweet 2:30 14 nov. 19 Twitter Web App 5.550 Retweets 41,9K Likes
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  • 20
    Text - Owen Ashworth @AdvanceBase My kid just told my wife that before she (my kid) was born, she (my kid) was her (my wife's) tooth fairy when SHE (my wife) was a kid. & now my kid has all of my wife's old baby teeth in HER mouth. We're all feeling pretty fucked up about it. 9:11 PM 12 Nov 19 Twitter for Android
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  • 21
    Face - Lil Bit OGV @LizerReal Not to gloat, but if I brush out my curls and make my sexy face, I bear a striking resemblance to a movie star. 3:45 PM 11/14/19 Twitter Web App
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  • 22
    Text - kelly @kellicopter if you want to meet your wife just date me! i'm not her but i promise you will meet her shortly after dating me, it's already happened 3 times:)
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  • 23
    Text - Dan LaMorte @DanLaMorte My school's DARE program used to give out baseball cards of the police officers. Imagine getting arrested and being like, "Oh shit, I have your rookie card."
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  • 24
    Text - Amy Dillon @amydillon Second grade is going well. 3. I live on a farm. My family has chickens. We live far from other people When I go to school, the bus drives past cornfields What kind of community do I live in? Orural suburban Ourban Bonus Fill in the blank lines. I live in a/an community PooP Outside my window, I hear Color this ce Coa Page to show wha We get ice cream at kind of ice cream yo would ge 5:50 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 25
    Text - avian ink @avianink Got distracted by my own boobs today so it's ok guys, I get it 2:33 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 26
    Text - Drunk Santa @SantasDrink ATTENTION: people who are constantly feeling alone. You aren't. I'm always watching. And Josh... keep hand out of your ass. your 10:15 AM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 27
    Display window - Uncle Duke @Uncle Duke1969 I've seen enough porn to know that they're probably pledging a sorority. 5:27 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 28
    Text - The token JP @JPLFR80 Fuck this! I'm going home to eat cookies 5:21 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for Android
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  • 29
    Text - kaya @antherpensee why the fuck does no one talk about the fact that depression and anxiety can give you major memory loss??
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  • 30
    Text - brando @imlowkeycool Nobody: November 1st: く)へ
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  • 31
    Text - Doctor: Take this medicine on an empty stomach 3 times a day. Me: I haven't had an empty stomach since 2001 buddy. 1:00 PM 11/13/15 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 32
    Text - Skoog @Skoogeth you ever say to yourself "this is the worst shape i've ever been in" and then a month goes by and your like "no. this. this is the worst shape i've ever been in" and then month goes by and
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  • 33
    Text - ana. @theblkwhtco have you met kids? @TorriNichelle 1d Why do people not want kids at a wedding? Lol
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  • 34
    Text - Sara K. Runnels @omgskr Me talking about dating in my 20s Lady Gaga@ladygaga 2h i used to collect trolls
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  • 35
    Text - Luke Touma @LukeTouma my girlfriend borrowed my jacket and left this mascara in the pocket. message. message received. Toe Finvecd BETTER THAN SEX >
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  • 36
    Text - idealpiper @idealpiper Hulu $13 Netflix $12 HBO max $15 Disney+ $7 Amazon Prime $9 CBS All Access - $6 Total, $744 per year for streaming and entertainment services. It's a lot... def gonna suck for whatever friend(s) I continue Leeching off from.
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  • 37
    Text - Betches betches @betchesluvthis concerts at 16: omg maybe he'll look at me and we'll get married I don't want this to ever end concerts at 26: it is late and my feet hurt and I just got pushed and can they please play that one songI like so we can all go home
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  • 38
    Text - Roxi Horror @roxiqt When it comes to gifts, I'm easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes. 20:52 11/7/19. Twitter for Android 1,432 Retweets 6,338 Likes
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  • 39
    Font - Nedward @NedNeutrality i left my airpod while getting sushi n the lady came back n gave it to me like this i'm screaming 02-91
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  • 40
    Text - average joe @jazz_inmypants L i don't know who needs to hear this but u don't love disney u just haven't been happy since u were 11 8:47 PM 11/13/19 Twitter for iPhone 12.6K Retweets 89.1K Likes
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    Meeeeesh
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