Woman Bans Mother from Future Celebrations After She Refuses to Take Responsibility for Her Other Daughter's Special Needs

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Sep 24, 2024 9:00 PM EDT

Welcome, women of the WWW. Loving and caring for loved ones with special needs isn't always easy. While we may care deeply about them and want them to experience and celebrate everything with us, it is not always possible. Some special needs individuals do not do well in crowds, are used to sticking to very specific schedules and strict diets for their mental and physical health, and use aids to help them navigate the world. Thus, they would need all sorts of accommodations to make their attendance to certain events enjoyable. 

In our story today, a bride was willing to make these accommodations at her wedding for her special needs sister. However, her mother, despite promising to take care of her, decided in the middle of the wedding that she did not want to deal with it, causing distress to our protagonist's sister, the wedding guests, and of course, the bride herself. The ordeal led our protagonist to ban her mother from all future events. Read the full story below. 

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  • 01
    r/TwoHotTakes TWO TAKE u/Different Duck2023 • 1d AITA for telling my mom she's no longer invited to my big life events?
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 02
    I'll start with backstory I (23F) got married about a year ago, It was interesting... I had an intimate ceremony with 4 close friends and family, so pretty small no more than 25 people I have a younger sister who we will call Sally (19F) who is special needs/autistic (i.e she has a problem with boundaries/oversharing personal info and as I'm told. "is mentally not her physical age") and still in the care of my mother. I was worried about inviting her to my wedding because big events are overstim
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 03
    I did invite Sally and mom because this was a big life change and I wanted them to be part of it and mom told me Sally would be with her all night and nothing would happen. Well that didn't go well.
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 04
    When Sally and mom Sally came to that back and called me a B**CH because I didn't also invite her boyfriend who I didn't know she had my MIL was appalled and hurried her out of the bridal room. I was stunned but brushed it off I'll talk to her and mom later.
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 05
    The ceremony went well from my pov but the reception in where it all fell apart. Sally had a meltdown she was walking around to the new inlaws and crying and telling them I was a B**CH and oversharing her personal life details making them very uncomfortable. I pulled her aside and asked if she needed to go to the room with dogs to calm down and if she'd like me to go with her. I was met with an eye roll and she walked away. I went out to
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 06
    my mom's table and told her "Hey, sally's having a meltdown and I don't know how to help can you please deal with her?" Mom replied by sigh/huffing at me and telling me "I'm not giving in to her pity party any more she'll have to deal with it." I didn't know what to do but my aunt over heard the conversation and went to help Sally. I cut the cake shortly after and they left.
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 07
    A few days after the wedding I received multiple texts about my wedding asking "Who was the girl having a meltdown?" And "Why wan't that girl being helped by an adult is she safe?" I confirmed that she was in fact safe. I was sad for lack of a better word so I called my mom after some thought and told her "I know Sally can be difficult but you can't leave her to her own devices at big events. I don't want to hurt your guys feelings but because of the way she acted unless you can find a sitter I
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 08
    something separately." My mom seemed fine with that until just a few weeks ago when my husband planned a family birthday dinner for me and mom and Sally were not invited she called me Livid about how I'm excluding my sister and I know how much birthdays mean to her. I told my mom we could do a seperate dinner just them and my hubby and I but she declined. SO I need to know AITA? I love my sister but I don't want to 1) overstimulate her on purpose that seems cruel and 2) I don't want to make othe
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 09
    easythrowaway12345.1d NTA. You didn't tell her she's not invited. You gave her the option to have care established for Sally OR miss the events. To be honest, she probably thought you were bluffing. Hold your ground. What you're doing is best for everyone involved. Reply 1.3k
    via u/easythrowaway1
  • 10
    Different Duck2023 OP 1d Yea.... I don't have much of a backbone but my hubby was very supportive and told me to stand my ground and keep healthy boundaries. 723
    via u/Different_Duck2023
  • 11
    KombuchaBot. 1d It's not really helpful for Sally to have meltdowns in public. Your mum sounds like she doesn't really care about her wellbeing. Not your responsibility, though. 340
    via u/KombuchaBot
  • 12
    ShanLuvs2Read • 1d Mom might not see them as meltdowns if she is not actively next to her also... have an inlaw that is like that ..with their child.. if someone else was dealing with the tantrum or meltdown then they would roll their eyes and be like Not my problem right now go ahead... 109
    via u/ShanLuvs2Read
  • 13
    LibraryMouse4321. 1d Remind your mom of your wedding every single time you need to exclude her, which will be any time there are other people involved. Having a separate celebration for birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc, is a great idea. You sister proved she can't control herself (not entirely her fault) and your mother proved that she will not sacrifice her own good time to see that her daughter behaves and doesn't ruin everyone else's good time (entirely her fault). If they don't like sep
    via u/LibraryMouse4321
  • 14
    Not_A_Doctor _ • 1d . NTA. Your sister has shown that she cannot be trusted at big events and your mother is unwilling to accept responsibility for her. In view of this, excluding them is the only option. Judging by what you wrote about your sisters behavior, this is not going to be the final time she is not invited to social events. No one wants to deal with that. Reply 159
    via u/Not_A_Doctor_
  • 15
    General-Success-8644 · 1d • NTA Also, as an autistic person who's worked years in the industry caring for autistic people, your mom is in way over her head and Sally is going to pay a price for that. Parents try their best. Back when Sally was born there wasn't much help or education available and your mom did it on her own, to protect Sally from ending up institutionalized.
    via u/General-Success-8644
  • 16
    She's owed a great deal of respect and support for that. However it's obvious she lacked the skills and resources needed to help raise Sally in a way that would best support her in becoming independent if possible, or being able to manage full time care in a group home setting when your mom can't support her anymore. Your mom deserves a life of her own, and a break. But she hasn't set herself up for that :( They're both in an unhealthy, and more importantly, unsustainable environment.
    via u/General-Success-8644
  • 17
    Who is Sally's legal guardian when your mom needs care? Has she been exposed to respite care and community service workers? Does she have an occupational therapist and a developmental service worker coming up with care plans and skills training so she can transition when your mom is in need of care?
    via u/General-Success-8644
  • 18
    Does she have an occupational therapist and a developmental service worker coming up with care plans and skills training so she can transition when your mom is in need of care? You've got bigger problems than birthdays or weddings if your mom ends up in the hospital tomorrow and Sally ends up in a State funded institution because she isn't already part of a community services organization or already making the transition to life without her mom. Reply 1 86
    via u/General-Success-8644
  • 19
    New_Cryptographer721 22h • This burden shouldn't be placed on OP though. It's not her job to facilitate Sally's care she is not her parent but her sibling. By establishing very strong yet healthy boundaries now OP's mom will understand she, the parent, because it is her job needs to facilitate who will care for Sally.
    via u/New_Cryptographer721
  • 20
    Regardless of what was available when she had Sally there are resources now. Just as you say OP's mom deserves a life. So does OP and it doesn't include providing respite or resources for Sally. The mom isn't even willing to respect her child's wedding day. Really interesting you're placing more on OP's shoulders a sibling who just started a new chapter of their life, than the actual parent?!?
    via u/New_Cryptographer721
  • 21
    The ones and heavy lifting is not on OP but the mom to ensure her other child is safe/secure in the untimely event of her passing. Frankly she's doing a poor job and probably expects OP to take on the mantle. The only thing OP should do is pass on resource information. Sally is a sibling, and it would be wholly unfair to pass that burden on. I hope OP keeps their boundaries! OP is NTA here, the mom definitely is tho. She's keeping her other child handicapped by not getting her help. ✩ 41
    via u/New_Cryptographer721
  • 22
    ChatKat1957 • 1d Definitely NTA! But your mom sure was....to say she would deal with your sister at your wedding and then proceed NOT to follow through is horrible! For you both. I think you handled things rather well....told her what was going to happen in the future rather than making a decision in the heat of the moment. Stick to your guns!! Reply 50
    via u/ChatKat1957
  • 23
    Isabella_Bee • 1d I think you're being very reasonable about all of it. Your mom let you down on your wedding day and you handled it well. I wish your mom could see that doing a separate event with her and your sister would be less stressful on everyone, including your mom. Reply 50
    via u/Isabella_Bee

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