Daughter refuses to attend her own 20th birthday trip after finding out it's just a guise to get her to attend her step-sister's destination wedding: "I'm okay with being selfish on my birthday"

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Feb 25, 2025 8:00 PM EST

Anyone over 30 reading this – do you actually remember your 20th birthday? I had to go through old college photos to figure out what transpired on that fateful evening. Turns out, I only took three pictures that night, but that was enough to jog my memory. I had a handful of friends over for an "old people" themed party; we played bingo, ate meatloaf, and listened to 60s music. If you're American, you might also have trouble remembering your 20th because it is typically overshadowed by the 21st birthday – the day you are suddenly eligible to participate in all sorts of adult activities. However, in some cultures that grant these privileges to 18-year-olds, birthday no. 20 is a bigger deal as it marks the end of the teen years. 

In our story today, a young woman wants to go all out for her 20th birthday. It seems her mom has the same idea as she plans a family trip to Morocco. However, our protagonist quickly realises that this "birthday trip" is actually just a way to hit two birds with one stone. Scroll down for all the juicy deets. 

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  • 01

    AITA? I refused to go on my "birthday trip" with my family?

    "She had actually booked the tickets to go to my step-sister's wedding."
    via Emma Bauso from Pexels

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA, I got a text randomly from my mum saying she had booked for us to go to morrocco on my 20th birthday with the family. Sounds great right ??
    via u/External-One3238
  • 03
    Absolutely not. I come to find out that she had actually booked the tickets to go to my step sisters wedding in Morocco to marry a man she has known for 3 months. The marriage is a complete sham, my step sister and this mystery Moroccan man had previously agreed to get married so that he could
    via u/External-One3238
  • 04
    Cheezburger Image 10472355840
    via LAURA FACCHINI
  • 05
    get a visa, allegedly they fall in love (all within 3 months) and now it's genuine ???? It also turns out that we leave Morocco the morning after my birthday and my mum "couldn't book any other flights" (she could they were just on sale so more convenient for her ig). She also didn't give me a
    via u/External-One3238
  • 06
    heads up or a choice in this so essentially she was content with ditching me on my 20th birthday (a big one in my opinion) to go to this fake wedding with a women she barely sees and a man she's never met.
    via u/External-One3238
  • 07
    Cheezburger Image 10472355584
    via SolStock
  • 08
    My birthday would be rushed and spent packing our bags for the day after, I would have had to also spend the whole week hearing all about this wedding I don't even agree on and living under the same roof as my stepdad and other step siblings I
    via u/External-One3238

  • No one seems to be pointing out the step-sister who planned her wedding so close to our protagonist's birthday. I wonder if it was a coincidence, intentional, or influenced by their mother so that she could hit two birds with one stone.

  • 09
    don't get on with. It all just feels like it's been rushed, poorly planned and is convenient for my mum because she gets to cram my birthday in at the end of it. To make matters worse she said it's too complicated and stressful if I bring a friend
    via u/External-One3238
  • 10
    when I asked, which is weird as I should have at least one say in what happens on my big day. She also called me very selfish and self centred because I refuse to go. But I'm okay with being selfish on my birthday. I see her side to it but equally I'm angry and upset.
    via u/External-One3238
  • 11
    StrangerOnReddit NTA. This is not a birthday trip; this is a trip for your step-sister's wedding that happens to fall on you birthday and I have a feeling your mom tried to sell it as a "birthday trip" for you just to get you to come. Fortunately you're an adult and cannot be forced to go. Go enjoy your birthday with your friends.
    via u/StrangerOnReddit
  • 12
    External-One3238 OP Completely agree! Thank you for this I had started to convince myself I'm as selfish as my mum claims I am lol. Planning on a trip to turkey with the friend she said couldn't come instead hehe
    via u/External-One3238
  • 13
    MentionInteresting58 NTA this smells like 90 day fiance
    via u/MentionInteresting58
  • 14
    nw826 You are never required to go to anything you're invited to, especially a trip that you had no choice in booking or where to go. NTA
    via u/nw826
  • 15
    Brilliant_Button9388 Your 20th birthday is a big one?? Am i missing something??
    via u/Brilliant_Button9388
  • 16
    HIP 20
    via Tom Cloverfield
  • 17
    fancyandfab No one else needs to reply OP already answered. I thought the same. Sounds like she's from UK or Australia by use of mum. Maybe in whatever culture she's in, 20 is big. Like how Latinos have a quince instead of a Sweet 16 OP already replied and confirmed 20 is big in her culture.
    via u/fancyandfab
  • 18
    External-One3238 OP I'm in the uk but my mum is Eastern European, which is confusing because birthdays are big there too! I at first thought she has been too westernised but all of my English friends are shocked so who knows what the thought process is lol
    via u/External-One3238
  • 19
    fancyandfab I am American and our big birthdays are 16, 18, and 21. 20 is just a random year until you are drinking age at 21 Thanks for clarifying
    via u/fancyandfab
  • 20
    External-One3238 OP I'd say ours is 16,18 and any birthday with a "O" at the end no problem!
    via u/External-One3238
  • 21
    surfing808bunnies Ends in a "0". People tend to think of those as milestone birthdays. Leaving the teens behind. Several reasons.
    via u/surfing808bunnies
  • 22
    Ashamed Dragonfly4453 I mean, it's hardly unusual for adults to treat round-number birthdays as a bigger deal. And not being a teenager anymore feels pretty momentous when it happens!
    via u/AshamedDragonfly445
  • 23
    Silent-Blueberry2983 NTA you should celebrate your birthday the way you want to. Packing bags and spend time with family members you don't get along with doesn't sound appealing to me. Stay home and enjoy your day with some friends
    via u/Silent-Blueberry2983
  • 24
    Unhappy-Prune-9914 NTA - Can you say you already made your birthday plans? It would be one thing if they just said they booked tickets for the wedding but pretending like it's for your bday isn't cool.
    via u/Unhappy-Prune-9914
  • 25
    External-One3238 OP I had previously hinted on what to do for my birthday and that I wanted to spend it with friends and family this year as I have missed the last one (she actually had booked to go and see family without me). This was the point I made to her but then she called me selfish lol
    via u/External-One3238
  • 26
    TanaFey My sister got married to a man she'd known for 3 months on my mother's birthday because it was the last day they could get the paperwork in because he was here on a work visa. I did not travel the 6 hours to go her court house wedding. They're separated now, divorce pending.
    via u/TanaFey
  • 27
    Outrageous-forest You're not close to anyone on that side of the family, including you step-sister. Seems they're isn't anyone you want to have a reunion with at the wedding or hang out with. Therefore logical to day you won't be enjoying yourself at the wedding.
    via u/Outrageous-forest
  • 28
    Therefore there's no reason to go when you'd rather celebrate your birthday differently. Plus, weddings are optional and you have every right to decide not to go. If your mom wants company going to the wedding she can invite a friend of hers.
    via u/Outrageous-forest
  • 29
    findmeoutsideoftime You're not wrong for feeling upset-this isn't a birthday trip for you, it's a wedding trip that happens to include your birthday as an afterthought. You weren't consulted, you have no say in how your day is spent, and even when you tried to bring a friend to make it more enjoyable, your mom shut it down. Calling you selfish for wanting a say in your own birthday just feels manipulative.
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime
  • 30
    That said, if you're financially dependent and outright refusing isn't realistic, you might need to approach this strategically. Instead of just saying no, try setting boundaries and negotiating something that makes this trip more bearable:
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime
  • 31
    • • Ask for a real birthday celebration~ a day where the focus is actually on you, not the wedding. Propose a compromise, if going is non-negotiable, maybe she could fund a separate birthday celebration for you when you get back.
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime

  • While I think the mom is wrong in this situation, a part of growing up is learning to compromise. This very year I was unable to celebrate my birthday on the actual date; because I knew it beforehand, I planned a party a couple of days before. Similarly, our protagonist could make it clear that she wants a day to celebrate her special day even if it's not the actual anniversary of the day she was born.

  • 32
    • If you really don't want to go, ask for the cost of your ticket instead to put toward something meaningful for your birthday.
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime
  • 33
    And if she keeps guilt-tripping you, try responding with: "I'm not trying to be difficult, I just want my birthday to feel special too. I'm willing to compromise, but I need some say in how my day goes." That way, you're standing your ground while keeping the conversation open.
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime
  • 34
    Most importantly, don't take on the burden of fixing your step-sister's situation or your mom's involvement in it. Whether this wedding is a mistake or not is not your responsibility to fix, and it's not
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime
  • 35
    your job to convince your mom to see things differently. You can disagree with the wedding without making it your battle. Your focus should be on what you need—not on getting them to change.
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime
  • 36
    If you do have the ability to say no without major consequences, then you have every right to refuse. Your birthday should be about you, not a wedding you don't support. Either way, advocating for yourself isn't selfish—it's self-respect. A
    via u/findmeoutsideoftime

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