Top 10 Best Dear Abby Advice Column Responses That Left Readers Speechless
When people are in a bind, it's sometimes tough to make the right decision. That's why, in 1956, Dear Abby, the most famous (or notorious) advice column was born.
With her slicing wit, quick responses, and drop-the-mic attitude Pauline Phillips, under the pen name "Abigail Van Buren", absolutely crushed giving advice to strangers about a whole myriad of problems.
Are you in the love with two boys ? Abby's got you. Are you wishing that wife-spanking was legalized nationwide? Abby's going to let you know what she thinks about that. Is twerking going to ruin your son's prospects of ivy-league graduation day? Abby is here to tell it to you straight.
So here is a homage to the best of the best of Dear Abby, reminding us that wisdom is often swift, true, and it stings a bit.
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1
Twerking will derail you from going to Princeton
DEAR ABBY: I'm the happily married mother of two teenage boys. The other day I overheard my older son (age 17) talking with a friend about "twerking." I have never heard of it and now I'm worried. Is twerking a drug term? Is it similar to "tripping," "getting high" or "catfishing"?
My 17-year-old is supposed to go to Princeton next year on a sports scholarship, and I'm afraid "twerking" will derail him from his charted path. Thank you for any advice you may have.
DEAR MOM: Don't panic. "Tripping" and "getting high," as you already know, refer to altered states of consciousness as the result of using drugs. "Catfishing" is something else. It's pretending to be someone you aren't, creating a false identity on social media, usually to pursue a deceptive online romance.
The "twerking" your son was referring to is a dance move recently made famous by Miley Cyrus — in which the dancer (usually female) gyrates in a provocative, semi-squatting position that involves thrusting hip movements.
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2
DEAR ABBY: I don't want to appear conceited but Im forced to admit that I am one guy who has everything. Women are always flocking around me and telling me how good-looking I am and what a marvelous personality I have. Im beginning to find this pretty annoying and extremely tiring. I just want to live a normal quiet life. How can I dissuade these hopeful females? C.W.
DEAR C.W: Keep talking.
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3
Abby's lesson in bigotry
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated to Florida a little over a year ago and were quickly welcomed into our new neighbors' social whirl. Two couples in the neighborhood are gay — one male, one female. While they are nice enough, my husband and I did not include them when it was our turn to host because we do not approve of their lifestyle choices. Since then, we have been excluded from neighborhood gatherings, and someone even suggested that we are bigots!
Abby, we moved here from a conservative community where people were pretty much the same. If people were "different," they apparently kept it to themselves. While I understand the phrase "when in Rome," I don't feel we should have to compromise our values just to win the approval of our neighbors. But really, who is the true bigot here? Would you like to weigh in?
DEAR UNHAPPY: Sure, I would like to weight in. The first thing I'd like to say is that regardless of what you were told in your previous community, a person's sexual orientation isn't a "lifestyle choice." Gay people don't choose to be gay; they are born that way. They can't change being gay any more than you can change being heterosexual.
I find it interesting that you are unwilling to reciprocate the hospitality of people who welcomed you and opened their homes to you, and yet you complain because you are receiving similar treatment.
From where I sit, you may have chosen the wrong place to live because it appears you would be happier in a less integrated neighborhood surrounded by people who think the way you do. But if you interact only with people like yourselves, you will have missed a chance for growth, which is what you have been offered here. Please don't blow it.
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4
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -Bess
DEAR BLESS: Night and Day.
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5
Wife spanking... but not the fun kind
DEAR ABBY: If you read the papers as well as write for them, you saw the article about the judge who gave a husband permission to spank his wife when she needed it. All i can say is, "It's about time."
I was beginning to think the women were taking over the country. If more men turned their wives over their knees and showed them who was boss, society would be in better shape. Spanking should be legalized everywhere. ONE MAN'S OPINION.
DEAR MAN: There are at least two things wrong with legalizing wife-spanking: (1) When does a spanking end and a beating begin? (2) Who is the final authority on when a wife "needs" a spanking? When she repeatedly puts starch in his collars? Or pastes his mother in the face with a cocoanut cake? Sorry, but spankings are for children.
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6
Player hater
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with two boys and. don't know which one to marry. First there's Andy. He's sort of blond and sells insurance. Mama likes him, which helps a lot. He's very reliable and seems anxious to get married.
Then there's Tony. He's dark and sort of gives me the creeps. (But they're awfully nice creeps, if you know what I mean.)
I don't know which one I like best. In the daytime I like Andy, but I believe I like Tony better at night. Which one do you think would make the best husband for me? ANDY or TONY
DEAR "ANDY OR TONY": Don't marry either one, if it's a toss-up. Date others and make comparisons. When "The One" comes along, you'll flip your lid-- not a coin.
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7
DEAR ABBY: My husband has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me. I asked my husband if I was drowning and his mother was drowning which one would he save? He said My mother because I owe her more. I am so terribly hurt, Abby. What shall I do? Arlene
DEAR ARLENE: Learn to swim.
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8
No Monkey Business!
DEAR ABBY: I am 10 years old and my Daddy said that when I saved enough money I could buy anything I wanted with it.
All my life, I have wanted a monkey. I have saved $14. I asked Daddy if I could buy a pet monkey and he said no, because I wouldn't know how to take care of it. My mom is the fussy type. You know, everything has to be just so. Do you know anyone who has a pet monkey and can give me some advice? WANTS A MONKEY
DEAR WANTS: I have had two pet monkeys (David and Bathsheba) and, although I love my monkeys, your father is right. To quote my son (he was 4 at the time), "Monkeys should live with monkeys, and people should live with people."
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9
DEAR ABBY: I've been going with this girl for a year. How can I get her to say yes? Don
DEAR DON: What's the question?
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10
Why not let God plan your family?
DEAR ABBY: Since God alone can create life and since God alone knows what tomorrow brings, He alone is truly qualified as a "Family Planner."
How did a lovely, brilliant girl like you ever get taken in by Planned Parenthood.
DEAR ADMIRER: I read the figures on population explosion, and saw pictures of thousands of starving children born of parents who did not want them and could not feed them. I then concluded that a just God could not possible have given life to innocent children only to doom them to death by starvation in their infancy.
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