kids

Parenting is the furthest thing from a breeze, although some parents make it look like one. But screw them, right? Because behind every parent who seems like they have their sh*t together, there is a closeted nervous wreck who is just trying to make it through the day without killing their offspring. The silver lining? At least parents turn their adversity into hilarious tweets for our entertainment. Here is your weekly selection of funniest parenting tweets from the moms and dads of Twitter, who are just trying their best to keep their kids alive, as well as preserve their sanity.

I think I can probably speak for most people when I say that growing up, my sex ed was almost non-existent. I picked up everything I know now along the way, either through the garbage my friends told me or, as I got older, through some awkward trial and error experiences. I was that gullible kid who believed you could get pregnant from swimming in a pool and that my parents only had sex the same amount of times as the number of siblings I have (and even that was way too many for my liking). People on Reddit share some of the weirdest myths about sex they believed as kids, and they make me feel less alone, as that kid who believed anything and everything about the big, bad world of sex.

Let it be no surprise that kids are weird and dumb. Not only do they not know things and have bad ideas, they can also be extremely creepy and weird. We remember all the stupid and psychopathic crap we did as kids, and acknowledge that it's best to keep your distance from this unaccountable and idiotic group of people. There are more than enough moments to confirm that kids are weird and dumb.

"Have kids," they said. "It will be fun," they said. Said no parent ever! Sure, babies are adorable. Yes, they are the apples of your eye. Of course, they make you beam with so much pride and love that you could burst. But, when you channel that same intensity of emotion into your feelings when your toddler tips all the cat food on the floor, puts your keys in the toaster, or draws all over the freshly-painted walls, then you might relate to the frustration in these pictures. Because the truth about parenting is, there will be times when you want to literally murder your kids. Or at least give them up for adoption for a week or two, because, like, come on, you deserve a f*cking break! Parents, can you relate?

Toddlers are like little balls of chaos waiting to explode at any moment. One second they're passed out in the middle of the floor surrounded by crayons and the next they're stuck in the toilet and can't tell you why or how. Whether you're a frustrated parent with a lot on your plate or a former kid who remembers all the stupid shit you used to say and do, anyone can appreciate these hilarious examples of kids being kids. Thanks to r/KidsAreFuckingStupid, we've got an endless supply of these funny anecdotes and pics of kids causing inexplicable mayhem.

It sounds like this entitled family got exactly what they deserved. Nothing quite brings the blood to a boil like a whole bunch of toxic manipulation. This family was certainly laying that on real thick. Gifts can really end up being their own kind of weapon. If you're looking for more juicy holiday content check out some of the most ridiculous requests that mall Santas received. 

It takes a savvy comic mind to pack a quality joke into Twitter's 280 character limit. Not everyone's got the chops. Their one-liners fall flat. Their tweets smack of try-hard desperation. Not these tweetsmiths. These writers and shillers of amusing observations have managed to find that harmonious sweet spot of humor and brevity. 

If you've been on Twitter at all over the past 24 hours, chances are you've heard about the sorry saga of John 'Bean Dad' Roderick and his epic Twitter downfall. If not, we'll catch you up to speed. On Jan 2, @johnroderick posted a marathon of a Twitter thread, boasting at length about refusing to show his hungry nine-year-old daughter how to use a can opener to open a can of beans. In the thread he recounts encouraging her to struggle with the device over a span of six hours in hopes to help her build character, or something. An outcry across Twitter immediately ensued and it didn't take long for people to dig up many racist, sexist, homophobic, and antisemitic tweets from @johnroderick's past. This kerfuffle went so viral, it might even affect the future of Jeopardy! (Don't ask.)

'Bean Dad' is, without a doubt, the unfortunate first main character of 2021. Hopefully this isn't foreshadowing a very cursed year. We've collected some of the funniest Twitter reactions to the whole 'Bean Dad' saga. (Content warning: some of the screenshots of @johnroderick's older tweets contain offensive language.)

To be a parent is to be subjected to a continual emotional rollercoaster, as you work on raising your devilish children into reasonably functional adults. The toddler phase especially is marked by a steady procession of spontaneous, and absolutely explosive emotional meltdowns. You never know what bone a toddler will have to pick with the world. Every day brings with it a new internal struggle in the life of a toddler. These toddler breakdowns are certainly something else. 

If you managed to get through parenting in 2020, I genuinely believe you can get through anything. It's been a real sh*t show of a year for everyone, but parents, you've had it tough. From having to basically homeschool your kids (because, let's be honest, zoom classes don't work) to cooking a million meals a day to putting up with endless tantrums about absolutely nothing—all while trying to keep your sanity—is a real feat of perseverance. Thankfully, Twitter has been there to serve as a platform for all your venting needs, and boy oh boy, have parents made use of it. We've collected some of the funniest parenting Tweets from 2020, which not only give an insight into the trials and tribulations of parenting during a pandemic but also show what heroes you parents are.

If you had like a coworker who was a child, you'd never get anything done. We know that from our own experiences as children that kids are weird and dumb. Sure, they're still learning that life makes no damn sense, but that doesn't detract from the fact that kids are strange and stupid.

If 2020 has taught us anything, it's that being stuck at home with your kids all day is never fun. Ever. Ever. Forget quality bonding time—after one week stuck at home with your kids all day, most parents are practically begging their kids' teachers to take them back. Have kids they said, it will be fun they said. Or not. These tweets from people who don't want kids, and from people who have kids but wish they didn't, will show you that parenting certainly isn't for everyone. 

If you're on the fence about having kids, you might want to take a peak at these Snapchat pics, which we think serve as the best form of birth control around. They say parenting is tough, but no one is truly prepared for the multitude of totally pointless meltdowns that will inevitably ensue.

We'd bet that a lot of parents out there are bound to relate to this hilariously wholesome accident. Apparently the whole family ended up getting accidentally "sleeptrained" by a strangely adorable little stuffed worm toy thing. Whatever works, I guess. 

If you're a dad, know a dad, or have even seen a dad these will resonate with extra fatherly dad-ishness. Here are some dad memes to keep those dads going through these dark times. There's just a lot of rad dad memes to achieve dad dreams.

When I was a kid I thought my peers with Barbie dolls were rich. And people with air conditioners. And I wasn't the only child with a unique idea of what indicated that someone had money. This thread from @cpoliticditto proves that most kids had their own special ideas of wealth:

"My wife grew up thinking that having water/ice dispensers IN THE FRIDGE DOOR was a life goal.  I grew up thinking if you had a basketball hoop with a clear/plexiglass backboard, you were rich.  What are some things you thought were indicators of wealth when you were a kid?" 

The responses are a nice mix of amusing and depressing. While some kids thought that having an attic or a wide variety of cereal meant someone was privileged, other kids thought hot dog buns were a luxury. We've included some of our favorite responses, but there are tons more over at the thread.